A summary of this crazy year so far

This is pretty funny--my starting a blog!

I have always thought it was rather egocentric of people to create blogs, unless they were already well-known for something and people actually wanted to know their thoughts on a regular basis. Or, unless they have some special expertise/viewpoint to share with a niche following. For commoners, like me, however, I've considered it basically a waste of time. Who reads all these blogs out here, anyway?

Well, I'm doing this for one reason only, and that is because I've developed a network this year of friends and prayer partners who really do seem to care about all I've been going through. I've been sending emails to keep people updated, but inevitably I forget someone. And now it's become apparent that a few of my friends have been out of the loop altogether, and don't know what's been going on. So my first post will be a summary of this year in the Garrison family, and then I'll pick up from here for future posts.

Have you ever had a season of your life when everything seems to revolve around someone else in your life? I guess parenting is defined by that scenario. But I thought it would be less so as our kids, Breanna and Brenden, became young adults......

I'll start by saying that last year at this time (Fall '05), Breanna (then 18) was a freshman at Cal State San Marcos. She had graduated from high school in June, gone to Peru for a missions trip in the summer, and started classes at San Marcos in August, while still living at home. She had four general ed classes, and was doing well. Then the holidays came and went, and she started the Spring '06 semester. However, about 3 weeks into it, she called me one day in tears to say that she HATED college, HATED her classes, HATED her teachers, HATED the campus--and she wasn't going back!!! Dave and I were quite surprised, and tried over the next few days to change her mind. But she was adamant that she wanted to withdraw from the university.

Bree said she'd enroll in jr. college and work towards an AA in child development. She had been working at a daycare center and thought that field might be a good one for her. However, it wasn't truly a passion for her. And I think that was the real problem: she didn't have a vision or a passion for anything in particular. She was a music major at Cal State, but it would've been a couple years until she got to take the fun music classes. Now she was disillusioned about the music industry anyway. So she mentioned jr. college and the AA as a concession. She didn't really care if that actually happened or not. She, in fact, missed the late spring enrollment date, and therefore was not in classes at all through the spring.

Around this time Dave and I were bothered by other changes in Breanna's life: she started smoking, she quit going to church and small group fellowships, her language became increasingly trashy, she was choosing friends we thought were a negative influence, and she would often be gone the entire weekend, ostensibly staying at her girlfriend Erin's house. Sometimes we would speak up on these things, but it would usually result in a loud, unpleasant scene. So we'd often just throw up our hands. And we learned to pray more than ever.

Around Easter time, Breanna met Nick, a 20-yr old marine. It wasn't her first marine boyfriend, but for some reason she thought this one was special. Within a few days, she said Nick wanted to meet Dave and me. There were scheduling issues, so that didn't happen right away. Then one day, before we had met him, Breanna asked me, "What would you think of me if I got married?" I didn't think she was serious, but I said something like, "Well, if I thought you were serious, I'd want to have a lonnnnng talk about what a huge step that would be and you can't make a decision like that based upon knowing someone just a few weeks!" Turns out she WAS serious, and they were talking about getting married VERY soon! I told her that Dave and I wouldn't give our blessing on such a foolish plan--and so they were going to run off and get married anyway! Well, God intervened and through a very long conversation, and lots of begging on my part, Breanna agreed to wait at least 6 months to get engaged, and then have at least a 6 month engagement. Phew. I really breathed a sigh of relief at that point.

Soon after that, Bree started talking about moving out of our house and getting an apartment with Erin. Again, Dave and I thought this was an unwise plan and tried to talk her out of it. But her mind was made up and on May 31, a day after her 19th birthday, she moved out. Within a couple weeks, she became pregnant by Nick. She told us this news July 3. They said they wanted to get married, and since he's a marine, we said the sooner the better so Breanna would be on his health insurance. They got married July 8 in a civil ceremony... while I was on a plane to Denver for the Christian booksellers' convention. There was no family at the ceremony. I was pretty much a wreck in Denver.

When I got home, Dave and I concluded that all we could do was make the best of things, so that's what we did. We chose to welcome Nick into the family, and get to know him as a son-in-law. We invited him and Breanna over for dinner at least once a week. They seemed to be going through a rough newlywed adjustment period, so we'd share our advice and counsel. Sometimes they seemed to listen, but other times it appeared to go in one ear and out the other. We recommended they get professional counseling, either through the marine base or through church. I gave them the phone number of the church I most often went to at that point. For a while, Breanna and I were trying to figure out if we could pull off a "real" wedding for them, that would be attended by family... but that idea got put on hold due to Nick's unpredictableble work schedule and also due to the shaky relationship. I just didn't have a good feeling about it.......

The end of August, Breanna uncovered some serious areas of deception that were going on by Nick, such as being in contact with former girlfriends and such. This led to a big fight on a Friday night... and Nick attacked her physically and threatened her life. In the midst of the attack, Bree was able to break free and run from the apartment to the security office. The security guard immediately came and handcuffed Nick and some other tenants called the cops. Bree had to go to the emergency room at the hospital, where she called us. We spent the rest of the night there while she was examined and had a bunch of tests. She was physically all right except for some bruises and body aches.

We brought Breanna home to stay with us, and we urged her to move out of the apartment altogether. Nick spent five days in jail and his sentence was 3 years of probation, 52 weeks of counseling, community service, confinement to Camp Pendleton, and a fine. A restraining order was put into effect to keep him away from Bree, but he started calling her immediately upon being released from jail. She didn't tell us for several days that she was talking to him. He was apologetic and remorseful; she seemed to need to hear this stuff, even though she knew it would be dangerous to get back together with him. I was quite upset when I learned they were talking. It was clear to me from early on that this was really no marriage and the best thing for everyone would be if they got an annulment, placed the baby for adoption, and got back to the task of growing up--separately--as quickly as possible! But Breanna didn't want us to report Nick's breach of the restraining order at this point, so we let it slide. To my knowledge, they never saw each other in person; Nick was under supervision on the base.

I found a counselor through North Coast Church and got an appointment for Breanna and me together, with the idea that we'd have subsequent individual appointments, too. We both liked Jennifer right away. Within a couple weeks, she made a referral for Breanna to be seen by a psychiatrist for evaluation of depression. Turns out she is clinically depressed, and now that I know more about it, I believe she has been depressed for years. Things like her mood swings, low self esteem, anger problems, and inability concentrate (at times) are all signs that we've seen during her whole adolescence, not realizing they could be related to depression. Now, with the pregnancy and recent developments with Nick, it was at a dangerous stage. She sounded suicidal at times. I don't think she'd actually attempt suicide, but she would get terribly low and wished she just weren't here. The psychiatrist gave her samples of Welbutrin, but she didn't want to take medication because of potential effects on the baby. So she has been relying on counseling to help with the depression, and it has seemed to improve.

Nick continued to call Breanna, and she continued to talk to him. She said she was trying to prevent him filing for divorce, because as long as they were technically married, she'd retain his medical benefits. (She also had access to his bank account and would withdraw his money on paydays!) She wavered for some time on the possibility of reconciliation with him (I pleaded with her to forget about it), but eventually she came to believe it could never work out.

Now it was mid-September, and Bree was still staying with us at this point. We required a few conditions, such as letting us know where she was, keeping a curfew, and coming to church with us. She complied for a couple weeks, but then concluded she shouldn't have to live by any rules. So she moved back into her apartment, hoping another girlfriend could move in with her. (She and Erin had had a falling out and she moved out about a month earlier.)

Although I worried about Breanna's safety and her ability to live on her own, I immediately felt a huge burden lift when she moved out, and determined we can never try to live together again! Dave felt relieved, too. We learned that you really can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.

As for the baby, she seemed absolutely determined to have it and keep it and raise it solo. I couldn't see how she'd be able to do it, and kept praying that she'd consider adoption. Several of our friends offered connections relating to open adoption, but Bree really seemed immovable on this point. She was so hurt that we were not just "accepting her as she is" and "accepting the baby." Yet we went to great lengths to show our love for her by helping her and providing for her through this chaotic year... and yes, trying to remind her at times about why we think adoption would be best for the baby. But I concluded it was a lost cause, so I quit mentioning it. If she does keep the baby, Dave and I will of course adapt to the situation and accept the child... though not raise it! But at that point, we were still thinking it was premature to believe that Bree had made her final decision on the matter, so naturally we weren't embracing the impending birth as we would have in better circumstances.

The next twist in the tale is that one day, I think it was the last Monday in September, Nick went AWOL and no one knew where he was. This was really scary. Breanna began staying at her girlfriend Christie's parents' house, and in fact they said she could move in there. At least then she could give up the expense of the apartment (although there would be consequences for breaking the lease). Bree never asked about moving back in with us, and we didn't offer. We feel she really has to figure out a way to stand on her own two feet.

I think this is where I left off with my last email update to friends and family. I concluded that email saying that I was reading the Psalms every day and finding great comfort. "But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more." (Ps. 71: 14) That's been one of my biggest lessons this year: that praising God in the midst of life's storms brings the strength to get through them.