Brenden has moved out

I've spent the last few weeks feeling as if it were a lull before a storm--or between storms, considering the way life has been this year. And sure enough, the latest tempest blew in Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. The short version is that there was a huge blowout with Brenden and he has moved out. If you want the whole story, read on...

In my last post, I told of a conversation with Brenden that I thought went pretty well. For a few days Brenden seemed to try harder around here to fulfill expectations. He even decided to look for a job... but he also decided he wanted to get back into independent study to finish high school so that he'd have MORE hours to work. I told him I thought that wasn't the best plan. What I envisioned was just getting a part-time job he could work weekends and a couple afternoons--not something full time. But Brenden didn't see how he could manage school and karate and Kayla (girlfriend) and a job, unless he was enrolled in the much-less-demanding independent study program. As of Wednesday, he was waiting for a call back to see if it was even feasible to get back into it.

Part of the blowout was that Brenden had the entire week off this past week for Thanksgiving, and I had suggested at the beginning that it would be a good time to look for a job. I've seen lots of help wanted signs up lately. However, day after day, Brenden was just lounging around with Kayla, obviously ignoring my advice about job hunting. He was also keeping very late hours at night, and he woke Dave up two nights in a row by making noise in the wee morning hours. We didn't pitch a fit about it, but I calmly instituted a new quiet time policy that between 11 pm and 7 am, no company could be at our home and the kitchen was closed. (He would sometimes make a full-blown breakfast for himself at 3 or 4 am, banging cupboards, drawers, and pans noisily. This had to stop!)

If you asked Brenden, he would say he was "trying" to abide by the rules and conditions we had set for him around the home. But to me, he was mostly trying to skate around as many as possible. For example, it seems he thought he had a loophole with the "no girlfriend sleepover" rule. Instead of having her stay here all night, he would go get her earrrrrly in the morning, so that they could still loaf around together all morning, eat a leisurely breakfast, take a late morning nap, etc. This appears to be what they did Wednesday.

The impetus for the blowout was that for the one millionth time, Brenden left uneaten food out to spoil... and it was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It was mid-afternoon, and the food had been left out since late morning. Brenden (and Kayla) were napping by then, and I woke him up to come put the food away. He didn't like that. I was quite irritated by his attitude and told him how frustrating it was when he wastes food like this, and how it happens on a regular basis, not to mention how he fails to clean up his cooking mess until forced to by us. His response was simply, "I can't believe how upset you are over chicken!" Well, it was much more than chicken, of course. It was the repeated disregard for the expense and effort that we go to in order to provide the food.

The confrontation escalated, with me making my case more and more loudly about how I feel ignored, disrespected, even despised for trying to take a stand and enforce some responsibility on his part. I was told I was a b--ch and I was "brainwashed," I guess because I try to live with morals and values, and I expect those I share my home with to do the same. (How horrible of me!) At one point I said he didn't have to wait until graduation to move out... I wasn't kicking him out, but I was very close, and he should have some place in mind where he could go. Basically he said I didn't have to kick him out. He was ready to leave.

Dave came home in the middle of the confrontation and tried to break us up. But I had a boatload of things I needed to say to the kid so I told D to back off. Dave has essentially checked out of parenting Brenden in recent months. He says Bren's incorrigibly rebellious and the only thing that will cure him will be getting out on his own and having to face reality. That may be true, but as I've written before, I kept thinking that while we have these last few months with him in the home, we have to try and get him to be a responsible young man so he's a little more ready to be independent. But evidently he truly believes he can run his own life... so fine, let him try.

Bren started packing up his car, and a couple hours later was gone. (At first I said he couldn't take the car, but Dave said he had to have it to get a job. I relented.) I was pretty much a wreck that night and hardly slept. Thursday was Thanksgiving. Remarkably, Brenden called my parents and told them he wouldn't be at Thanksgiving dinner. Later I told them the whole story and they were really supportive. Friday, my sister, Julie, took Brenden out to lunch and found out he'd been sleeping in his car at the duck pond a couple miles from the house! So I guess he hadn't found a place to stay yet (other than the pond). Then last night, I received a phone call at 11:40 pm from Brenden who was with a cop who needed to make contact with a parent. Bren wasn't in trouble, except for being out past curfew. (HELLO! He's always out past curfew!) The cop said, "Do you know your son is homeless?" Ouch. I said, "Well, he walked out on us a few days ago and I don't know where he's staying." The cop said I could either come get him or I could OK Brenden's driving himself home. I chose the latter. Ten minutes later Bren called to say he would go stay at a friend's. I said "fine." I really didn't expect him to come home. Nor did I really want him to. I need to hear certain things from him before I consider letting him come back. That's just the way it has to be. I don't have high hopes that this will happen, though.

Someone with grown children recently told me something good. She said she used to pray, "Lord, protect my children through their trials." But now she's learned to pray, "Lord, don't let me get in the way of what you're trying to accomplish in my children's lives through their trials." I think that's profound. I know it's the tough times in life--very often the big mistakes--that can make us grow and mature. Both my kids sure need that to happen! I do, too, I must confess. I still have far, far to go to even approach the image of Christ that I want to reflect.

A quick update on Breanna: She went to church with me today! The regular worship band was away due to the holiday, as was Pastor Jeremy. So it wasn't the usual caliber of service. But Communion was served at the end and that was special. The other day I bought a pretty pink baby blanket for her, and some tiny pink booties. Breanna seemed to love them. I'd been wanting to give her something just as a gesture that I'm gradually accepting her circumstances. I am now starting to look forward to seeing what the baby looks like, hearing how she cries, learning her personality... Who can't help but fall in love with a baby? I still don't know how Bree will manage as a single parent, and she really doesn't know either. So please keep praying for her as the delivery date approaches. I think she said the latest target is March 3.

Well, that's all for now. As always, thanks for your support and prayers. And please let me know how I can pray for you! I really will. God bless......